Animal morphism sketch
I mean, I don’t know. I follow people on twitter and wonder, what do I have to post to have more than 5 followers? I mean, yeah, sometimes we all have that genius remark that gets retweeted forty-five times, but I mean when somebody posts “hi” and they get like 4k retweets, I just want to know what made you get that many retweets for something so unoriginal? I don’t know.
Then I noticed that @JMontTrip6 is not a woman and does not have breasts.
So, breasts apparently increase chances of having what you say be claimed interesting, even though they don’t care about what you have to say. So, what about men who get famous?
I mean, it’s obvious. Women don’t really like men. Women like men because they know there’s competition to have them. They want something special that other women can’t have. So, relative popularity has so much to do with this. Hunter Moore for example, will probably never date a woman because he has all the women he can ask for at the tip of his fingers. Women want to get attention from him because it’s not something that they view as a likely partner (or even interesting for that matter), but an innate desire to, even subconsciously, broadcast the bearing of a child to such a relevant person, who has so much stacked against them in their odds.
Bottom line. Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money. And men that they know are likely unattainable.
Wait no – bottom line: we all want what we can’t have.
Are you feeling like you have problems gaining weight at the same rate as when you were a baby? I know I am. I can barely gain 5 pounds. Back when I was a baby, I could gain much more than that in the span of two years. So, what’s the difference from now and then? Was it that I was smaller? No, because that means that I had less to grow from…
Then I thought, tit milk. It is the one thing I don’t have in common with in my diet from my baby
days. So, using a plethora of breast pumps, I have went to a special clinic and began to pump tit milk into a large keg, which was recycled from a frat party, and to save water, unwashed.
So, why not go suck on a big fat pair of titties? I’ll tell you why.
There’s also a mystical ingredient that I’ve added that is super secret and more important than mammalian milk that mimics our mothers’ (or grandmothers’),
WASABI paste. I went on a social experiment, asking the first Asian person who was old what made him live so healthy. “Wasabi”, said the wise old man, referring to himself as “Jim”, which I assume is a cover identity for Lon-Quin-Takh, lord of the Ball Grundles.
So, after adding this paste to the milk, we added ram’s urine. Ram’s urine is commonly known to be a highly, highly,
bitter urine that brings youth back to the body by increasing acidic flow of the body. Mmm, R. Kelly’s favorite! So, we immediately contacted R Kelly, and asked him if he would like to be our spokesperson. After hard negotiation, and formal education of why R Kelly urine is another vivacious fluid, we added R Kelly’s urine out of a vat. R Kelly was pleased, and paid for our house to receive a golden shower. What a nice man. He became our spokesperson and, now our “TiTTY MiLK” product has a new, lively slogan: “You want the real deal, baby, get some o’ my piss on ya.”
So, it’s in trial right now. If you want to taste some of this beautiful drink to keep you feeling strong as ever, you should leave me a comment and tell me that you want it. Thanks for reading. Enjoy a nice glass of TiTTY MiLK: An R Kelly approved product.
* This asterisk denotes absolute bullshit
An Asian Unicorn?
YES AN ASIAN UNICORN. Today in Vietnam, a rare species was supposedly sighted. An elusive endangered species, the Asian Unicorn is a very rare find. But I have a couple of discrepencies with the story.
First off, that isn’t an Asian Unicorn. I have been studying these things for years now and I can tell you that that is not the same Asian Unicorn I saw in my back yard many moons ago. Let me start with the “real” picture:
Doesn’t something seem wrong here? This isn’t a unicorn. First, we all know from playing with Polly Pockets that if a unicorn were to exist in Vietnam, it would have frilly fleece coming off its fur because Polly Pockets are the whole reason I joined the unicorn club in 2nd grade
This little bugger doesn’t have a unicorn unihorn, he has a bihorn. Which would make him a bicorn. Not a unicorn. So, what is the real Asian Unicorn you ask? Well I have an artist’s rendering right here that I pretty much just jacked off his website. Cheers!
Music is a beautiful thing, but today a lot of people tend to ask “What’s wrong with music today?” The thing is, nothing’s really wrong with music, however, the lack of freedom of creation threatens the market. People think too much of who sounds like who or sounds like what. The thing is, when a songwriter writes his song, he is (or at least should be) expressing not only the emotion, but a clear-cut flow to whatever he has written and prepared for you. In other words, his song should be his own no matter what it sounds like. Musical inspiration occurs on many levels, and people think too much on the scale of what sounds like what. Some would say a great example of this was Ice Ice Baby by the infamous Vanilla Ice.
So what’s missing, man?
Passion in music. People write, and their songs sound good, but when they sing and play them there’s far too much of a mechanical flow. When singing, I like to hear imperfection. Because, in essence, when somebody goes for that extra heart string in their break down or articulation of a word, it kills me because I can feel it. You know where an artist is coming from whenever they can articulate what they are saying and evoke some type of emotion that plays towards the tone of their song. If you want examples of what I’m talking about, I would look into the bands that I would consider to have that supernatural flow to their music:
These are four of my favorites, as I can say each of them really evoke emotion in me, personally.
I’m not bashing music, I’m just saying as an avid listener of music, you gotta put your heart into it a little bit more. Just enough to make us feel that emotion, too.
Did you ever decide as a child, “I would love to be an doctor”, but couldn’t figure out how to be an doctor? Well, then, you’re going to be edumacated. First off, a little history:
back in 1700BC there was some bro named Docter who made people feel healthy
back in 200BC doctors became mad rich and began settling in Beverly Hills
in 2000, doctors became super elite because of the fact that they make mad $ bills
So you want to become a doctor? Here’s a few, short steps:
Go to college. As you may know, doctors may have been to colleges before and are usually pop quizzed on when they went there. I mean, sure, you could go through the whole program and learn every artery in the body, the function of unimportant organs, or you could do what is illustrated in step 1: you aren’t lying if you say you’ve just come out of college, if you catch my drift.
Enter a hospital. Doctors are in high demand and need to perform scheduled surgeries so that the hospital does not fall behind. Go in your hospital, preferably through the window (since that would look cool, and besides, if you get hurt you’re at the right place for it) and snatch some scrubs. Head to the ER or OR or whatever field you’d want to fill.
Make sure you have brought some tools as the hospital doesn’t need to see identification. You want to show them who’s a good surgeon, coming prepared so that when you say “I’m not really a licensed doctor”, they snatch you up instantly for a head role in surgery or something like that.
What’s next? You’re gonna be rich. When you make bank (aka $$$$$$$$$) please send me some. I request a couple thousand to be even slightly appeased. thanks bros
Did you ever have a passage from the bible that blew your mind?
But, with this blog post, I’d like to ask: what’s your thoughts on religion? What do you think is right? Do you think that your “reference book” is a little bit wrong at times? Do you think it’s always right. I want to hear this.
So, you’ve probably spent years of your life wishing to be that cool kid. I know I have, but I sure haven’t been able to get attention without a beating. And when that beating happens, I know I must be getting cooler. But forget that, and follow my guide on being cool!
If you have never watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, you may not be familiar with Carlton Banks, the most gangster of gangsters to ever walk the face of the planet. Using Carlton, I will show you the most hip-hop tips for staying cool.
First, the number one thing that makes you cool is what you wear. If you have read my previous guide on getting women, all clothing types apply — however, to be cool there are more things you should wear:
- Your own superhero uniform (custom made, mermaids get bitches nowadays)
- Pocket protectors (shows you aren’t afraid to show bad boys that you’re clean cut)
- Fanny pack (the most ingenious, cool invention to ever come by man)
- Gold grills (women love money)
Many people utilize this list every day (google cool kid and you’ll see what I’m talking about)
Now aside from clothing and apparel, you should take a good look into the language you’re currently using. Replace these common phrases with your soon-to-be new cool words:
- “I like turtles” – “Turtles be trippin”
- “I think you’re an attractive female” – “bitch suck me”
- “Can you help me with my homework?” – “do this shit”
- “This is not going well” – “fuck it”
- “Excuse me” – “guttada fuck outtada way”
NOW YOU KNOW
GO DO IT
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
When asked how I am able to get babes to drop to their feet with the sound of my whooping cigarette cough, I remind people of the ways to just sell yourself in any act. But in reality, nobody is nearly as cool as I am and may never have any possible chance to get the roll going like I can. But I’m going to show you a few ways to make women love you, if they don’t.
Women like a real man. You know, the type who whips it out at dinner and chokes his last chicken to let the lady have a bite to eat, at the expense of anything but his wallet. Unbelievable, I think, how these men nowadays pay money for clothes, even. You don’t need to pay for a thing except cigarettes and party expenses, the latter of which you run away from anyway.
When you dress, pay attention to the cost of the wardrobe. This cost should not exceed 0. Take rags, towels, and car tarps and wear them around town with a hole for your front and back for the easy, on-the-go piss or shit. Women like that. Things that can be used for your wardrobe:
- Hotel/motel towels
- Tarps, pool covers, body bags
- Fly trap paper, accumulated typically from bars
- Garbage bags, airliner vomit bags (if filled it adds a cologne if you want)
- Paper machete newspapers
- Jizz rags left over from high-prostitution areas
The list goes on and on. These things show that you’re a resourceful, non-wasting man who has feral desires for showing his manhood because he wants women to appreciate him, hunk or not. This drives women crazy, and the sense of confidence that you have while walking will make them think you are the bee’s knees.
When you talk to women, make sure you use the appropriate terms of endearment; the usual “bitch”, “skank”, “hoochie mama” will always work. You can be creative, but there are a few things you have to press when you are talking to women.
- You’re the man
- She’s stupid and ugly
- You’re the man
- Give it to me
When talking to men, you should probably take note, as well, to how you should act around men who are with women:
- Push your finger on their chest
- Tickle them
- That ain’t his girl
If you haven’t picked up smoking yet, you’re going to have to. Smoking is essential to get girl stares. If you don’t do my steps at least three times a day, you won’t be used to it:
- Smoke cheap, strong cigarettes
- Never brush your teeth (smoking tastes better when you have a thick layer of plaque)
- Always blow cigarette smoke in people’s face (people like to smoke when they’re around a smoker, even if they don’t smoke)
- Use purses as ash trays (shows that you have consideration for mother earth)
There’s no reason you should fail. Women love, love, love the smell of cigarettes. Scientists have proved that women respond with high brain activity when presented with the aroma of male breath – so make it strong, make it bold. Make yourself stand out.
BUT WHEN DO I KISS THEM?
Silly, you should know when to kiss. Kiss girls as soon as they pull out their can of breath-freshener in their purse. They want to smell pretty for you, as you have done for them. Approach wide-eyed and embrace her with the smell of your breath, all the while waiting for her to clean hers. As you may know, women have mouths filled with 100 times the amount of bacteria as men. You are a man.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
Today, I got what I ordered: my whole-watt laser pointer. With an output of <1000mW and a wavelength of 532nm, this glory of an astronomy device works charms. If you’re investing in these, though, be sure to look around. Some places charge several times more for the same product with the same diode and laser strength, even though the only difference is who manufacturers it. For mine, I paid roughly $32. And for the thirty two, I get a battery, battery charger, 1000mW diode, a spot filter, and keys that act as a master fuse, so I can lock it and kids won’t play with it. Score.